There are a number of important experiences shared by the millions of people across this great land. But when we're not watching TV, we need a place to keep our VCRs so we can tape our favorite shows. That's where apartments come in.
Why do we live in Apartments? Because buying a house requires something most of us don't have...money. Lots of money. Enough money to buy an honorary Ph.D. or lattes for two at Starbucks. We live in apartments because that's all we can afford. We also live in them because we don't have to mow the lawn, rake leaves, or shovel snow, and as a former teenager, that's a big plus. It also explains why many people later move into condos.
Remember when you went out in search of that first apartment? You knew exactly what you wanted, and there it was, right in the paper:
WALDEN WOODS. 1-3 bedroom apts. 5 levels. Carpet, den, 2 baths, fireplace, ceiling fans,
cathedral ceilings, breakfast nook, sundeck, balcony, bar, Jacuzzi, exercise center, AC, DW, W/D. First 20 renters get a free Monet. IOU Properties, 555-1234.
Unfortunately, just because you can afford to live in an apartment, it doesn't mean you can afford to live in all of them. It's sort of like cognac. All cognac is brandy, but not all brandy is cognac.
But for $1250 a month you can also afford to make a house payment, which is why you were looking for an apartment in the first place. Remember, just because you can afford to live in an apartment doesn't mean you can afford to live in all of them. It's sort of like cognac. All cognac is brandy, but not all brandy is cognac. In other words, rent an apartment that's cheap enough that you can still afford booze.
Most of us end up finding something a little lower down in the want ads:
DOWNTOWN. Third Street. 1 room apt. in interesting neighborhood. Oh, there's a bathroom
in the apt. next door. IOU Properties, 555-1234.
My first apartment was in an aging house, the kind with paintings of cave bears and saber-tooth tigers on the walls. The rooms were enormous, made even larger by my lack of furniture, or any other possessions. The ceilings were about 30 feet high, which made changing light bulbs a Himalayan adventure.
The ceiling fan in the living room was the air conditioner. The gas heater was most likely used to illustrate the wonders of technology at the 1876 Centennial Exposition in Philadelphia. After the pilot light was armed, the heater gave off a reassuring sound, much like a Saturn Five rocket.
My roommate lived in the kitchen. He was a large, shiny, multi-legged chap named Beelzebug. Like most roommates, he raided my food and drank my liquor, but overall, he wasn't too bad. (Except sometimes, he'd get really drunk, fall on his back and flail his legs in the air until I turned him back over.)
Obviously, I've lived in the finest apartments quarters can rent. My credentials established, I offer this look at the finer points of apartment life:
Moving
There are two ways to move—both painful. First, you can pay someone to do it. Then again, for the same amount of money, you can buy entirely new possessions and start over from scratch.
The second solution (or the way we all do it) is to move yourself. This involves calling about eight of your friends (a good way to see how many you actually have) and renting a moving van, usually about as easy as renting the Space Shuttle.
For the next three hours, you get to watch your friends treat your furniture and belongings like Hitler and Stalin treated Poland. Once they've precariously stacked everything in your new place (Stonehenge comes to mind), you get to buy them off with pizza and beer. But hide the beer until the really big items are safely inside.
Furniture
Most people buy their first furnishings at a yard sale. Look for a couch with a nice print on it, maybe some scenes from the War of 1812. You'll know you're getting a good deal if the couch jingles. Why, you'll probably pay for it with the change you pull out later. Cheese curls, anyone?
You might want to consider incorporating Oriental simplicity into your apartment. Put a mattress on the bedroom floor; your friends will think its a futon. Put a futon in the living room; they'll think it's a couch. But don't put a mattress in the living room; they'll think you're a sex maniac.
Home Entertainment
Instead of furniture, I opted for a monster stereo system. Sure, my girlfriend didn't like sitting on the graphic equalizer, but at least I had a way to ensure friendly neighbors: 110 watts.
Amusement requires equipment. If you want to stay current, you'll need that stereo, plus a high-definition television, surround sound, a DSS satellite dish, and the new DVD CD movie player. Of course, only a NASA engineer really understands all of this technology, and let's face it: their budget is much bigger than yours.
Lease
This document is a precaution taken by your landlord to make sure you can't do anything with your life, like get another job and move.
Rent
Also known as half your paycheck. Rent is your landlord's way of communicating. If you're paying it, he or she figures you're relatively happy and content. If you're not paying it, you're either a deadbeat or dead. Either way, your landlord will most likely begin a relationship with another tenant, leaving you out in the cold or cold under the ground. If you are dead, and that doesn't appeal to you, consider cremation.
Security Deposits
Think of this as an insurance policy taken out on you by your landlord. He or she wants to make sure you don't leave suddenly, or have Nine Inch Nails over to redecorate your living room. It's just that with this insurance policy, you make the payment.
Once you move out, you'll theoretically get the money back, minus any damages. However, bear in mind that you'll never see more than half of that money, even if you get Hazel to clean your apartment. After all, it costs at least a hundred dollars for a landlord to peel a sticker off of a refrigerator.
Getting Evicted
Don't. Adam and Eve were evicted, and we've all been looking for a place to live ever since.
Neighbors
In luxury apartment complexes, they're usually pseudo-yuppies. Real yuppies live in condos and have high-paying jobs as investment bankers. Pseudo-yuppies are just regular people with an attitude. You can spot them by their apartment furnishings, usually consisting of impressionist prints and a fern. They serve good hors d'oeuvres at parties, but they won't invite anyone but investment bankers.
In cheaper surroundings, your neighbors are either heavy metal musicians or self-styled carpenters. The first likes to practice drumming until dawn. The other likes to practice hammering at 7:00 on Saturday. But don't despair, you do have options. Give them a taste of that 110 watt stereo system. Maybe Lou Reed's “Metal Machine Music.”
Parties
Some complexes have special clubhouses where for a $50 deposit you can get as wild and debauched as you like. Have three friends over to your apartment and you'll get evicted, but the clubhouse is a kind of neutral zone where the laws of time and physics don't exist. At least until you try to get that deposit back the next day.
Wash Day
It all comes down to this: maybe you should wash whites and colors separately; maybe you should use different temperatures. But when you're pumping quarters into a machine in the basement Laundromat, all clothing is equal.
Eating
Preferably out. However, since pizza and cheeseburgers can get a little old, sometimes it pays to experiment. Go into your kitchen (you know, the room with the beer in it). Look in your cabinets and refrigerator, take out everything you like, and be creative! You say all you have is some spaghetti, three eggs, a jar of olives and a leftover hot dog? Make an omelet! Your friends will think you're some kind of pasta genius. For a Southwestern twist, put the mixture into taco shells, and you won't have to wash forks when you're done. Or take the same ingredients, and cook them in that wok your parents gave you last Christmas. Voila! A cheap and easy Oriental dinner. After all, if artists can mix media, why shouldn't you?
Cleaning
Everyone who lives in an apartment has to do this at least once, We all know how to clean, we just need the proper motivation to do it. Here's one sure-fire method: invite your parents over.
Parents
Why do we all dread this visit? Let's examine the problem. It's Saturday morning. You're delirious with exhaustion from staying out with your friends Friday night and then cleaning your apartment after coming home. You've gotten up early to spend the last of your paycheck on groceries so you can convince your parents you're not starving to death. Now you wait.
Inevitably, your folks show up late, eat all your food, gripe about the trip and then fall asleep in front of your TV watching “Love Boat” reruns.
That's when it dawns on you. They've been waiting 25 years for the chance to mooch off you.
Well, at least the apartment is clean.
A Final Thought
If you have found this guide to be illuminating and informative, you might want to clip it out and tape it to your refrigerator. Just remember to get all the tape off when you move, or your landlord is going to the Bahamas.
On you.